WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, IS MARRIAGE OUTDATED IN 2022? COVID FINALLY HITS!

Today we celebrate our 34th Wedding anniversary, firstly 34 years – where did that time go and how is it even possible??! So just for fun I asked Steve what he thought was the secret to a long and happy marriage, his reply was “lots of patience, give and take – or in my case just give and don’t take!” He’s so cheeky, as that’s certainly not true. We are both quarantining with covid so that will make for a different anniversary! It did however make me ponder (too much time on my hands, clearly) is marriage now an outdated institution? Having received more wedding invites this year than ever before - six weddings - I think not! And marriage still happens in record numbers worldwide, I love that romance is not dead. Granted, some of the six weddings we were invited to had been postponed due to covid, but still! Sadly, I only managed to attend three due to circumstances beyond my control. I do love a good wedding, and one was my youngest daughter’s wedding too, so that was both wonderful and emotional for all of us. Being a low waste/recycle wedding, they used the champagne flutes we had at our wedding, the hoarder in me was secretly saying, ‘I knew they’d come in useful one day.’

I see marriage as a partnership where sacrifices are made on both sides, or at least they should be. If it is all one sided, it’s not going to work. In all relationships you need to put in some effort and just like everything in life if you neglect it then it will suffer. It’s important not to take each other for granted, difficult sometimes when you both work and if you have young children or other commitments, but it’s so important to make time for each other. I also think that you need realistic expectations when you get married, recently I read that before you get married you should discuss all the important things. One of the main things I discussed before we got married was how often I would be able to go back to the UK, extremely important for me at the time. I hadn’t thought we’d discussed much but actually we did and probably thanks in part to a marriage preparation course we attended at my church. For fun I give my own comments at the end of each as applied to my own marriage as I recall at the time.

Finances

Money can make or break a marriage. According to studies one of the main reasons couples divorce is because of finances. One spouse is a tight budgeter, while the other one spends money freely – sound familiar? Didn’t discuss this, wish we had discussed this though as it was the cause of many of our arguments. But as you are probably aware I’m the spendthrift!!

Kids

Another “touchy” subject that a lot of couples try to avoid is KIDS. Still, it is a topic that definitely needs to be addressed in-depth before marriage. Discussed this, it was of utmost importance to me, we both wanted a family.

Household Chores

Another biggie that couples should discuss before getting married is household chores. Didn’t discuss this but Steve has always helped out, the best trick for me was to give him the choice of changing a nappy or washing the floor – he always opted for the floor!

Family Involvement

A topic every couple should discuss before getting married is family involvement, as in the in laws! I really wish we had discussed this topic, it never occurred to me that it would be a problem, but it was. I should have laid ground rules at the very beginning as this was one of the biggest problems in our marriage and caused so much trouble.

Sex

Sex is an important part of any relationship, but especially marriage. Some couples shy away from talking about intimacy, and specifically sex. Maybe, it is because sex is often linked to vulnerability or emotional attachment. Or, maybe, it is because of past sexual experiences or societal expectations. Regardless of the reason, it is a topic that every couple should talk about before getting married. Not discussed.

Religion

Religion is another hot topic that every couple should explore before marriage. Now, it’s not as crucial if you are just dating and not really thinking about marriage, but if you are, it’s worth talking about in advance. Why? Well, because once you are married you’ll have to take in consideration religious holidays, religious traditions, and children (what religion they will follow). While if you are just dating, you won’t have to participate in these activities unless you want to. Discussed and agreed on.

Priorities & Life Goals

The last topic every couple should discuss before marriage is priorities and life goals. Why does it matter? Well, it matters because if you and your partner have different things you want to accomplish in life, your marriage may not work, especially if you can’t find a compromise that satisfies both of you. Discussed only in as much as to where we would live initially and raise a family. Steve, for the most part, has just gone along with my crazy ideas or dreams.

With regards to this last one, compatibility plays an important role, and we often have the same long-term goals and interests, especially initially. Online dating apps have increased in popularity, and they can be good as you list your hobbies and then you are matched to people with similar interests. I think it’s important to marry someone who can make you laugh and has a sense of humour. I had asked someone who had been married for a long time before I got married for advice, he said, ‘never go to sleep on an argument’ whilst well intentioned no doubt, it certainly didn’t work for me! As we get older, we all change and our priorities (and sometimes our principles) also change, inevitably sometimes couples outgrow each other and find they are no longer compatible, no-one’s fault it just happens. I have seen it many times, on the other hand couples may also grow closer together as they age and their goals are shared, if you’re lucky.

For me communication is key, I wish I had realised that 34 years ago though. I was guilty of expecting Steve to read my mind and obviously that didn’t happen, I am now much better at communicating my thoughts and wishes and often buy my own gifts, usually if I see something I really like, I find it saves disappointment! I also usually plan all of our social activities, the last time Steve suggested going somewhere to eat, it was an unmitigated disaster, so he’s probably too scared to suggest anymore! I know you’re all thinking ‘poor Steve’ right now!! But in my defence even my son in law said that it would be the last place he’d take me too! Of course, sometimes marriage just doesn’t work out and then it’s best for all concerned to go their separate ways, not always easy though especially if it’s one sided. I believe it helps for some couples to live together before they tie the knot, as it’s not all roses and romance, it gives a better idea of how things will work in the real world. You may well find that you can’t live with some of their bad habits or little foibles, but at least you will know beforehand.

As Steve rightly said, give and take is also very important, compromise – yes that word! Finding a way through a problem by communicating and give and take. It all comes back to communication. Trust and respect also play an important role. All that said, in my opinion, I conclude that marriage is most definitely not an outdated institution, not yet anyway. Please feel free to leave your own advice below in the comments.

2022 was going so well then Covid struck!! I had successfully managed to avoid it for the last two years, but then I let my guard down and it got me! Bad timing for me as I had very important plans, well when don’t I have plans really? But it scuppered my attendance at wedding number six and I was so disappointed. It absolutely knocked me off my feet and I was so relieved that I was fully vaccinated. I have found in the past, only on a couple of occasions, that if I don’t stop when I need to someway or another I am made to! Since my immune system is poor anyway it’s taking a while to recover but I think I’m getting there, slowly. It gave me chance to get this blog written though! Covid is still all around us, please do take care of yourselves.

Finally, to all the beautiful 2022 newlyweds, I wish you every happiness and a long and happy married life, may it bring you everything you wish for, remember to communicate with each other and always make time for ‘quality’ time together, no matter what! That’s my advice.