This year whilst revisiting the grief I felt when losing my son 21 years ago, I was once again plunged back into its depths. I lost my mum. I knew that it was coming as she had been unwell for quite some time, but like everyone I imagine, I was hoping for that last visit, last phone call, last hug and chat over a cuppa, sadly it wasn't to be. It is a world full of pain. Life will never be the same again, but I know we will get through this. Grief is, after all, the price we pay for love.
As you know if you have been following my blogs, I am a person that tries to look for the positive in any situation and if there is one to be found here then it’s that my whole family was together when we received the news, something that happens infrequently since we are usually in different countries. It's a strange feeling when you lose your last or only parent, speaking from experience, there are many things that are different from when you lost your first parent. It becomes more final and the realisation dawns that you are now taking over the place of that generation. It is also far more complex with property and possessions to be disbursed and cleared, and sometimes even long-held family secrets are unearthed. I think of mum's advice and instructions to carry on and never change things for her sake, she hated the thought of being a burden. Old age is a privilege denied to many and she had a good 85 years, most of the time upbeat and very often the life and soul of any party, she didn’t want people to cry she told me – an impossible task.
Grief is as individual as a person’s character. This is something I have discovered. There’s no right or wrong in this scenario. There’s just you. As we navigate this journey we must each go at our own pace and respect that in each other. We cannot judge, we’re all just doing the best we can, some may carry on as normal and deal with their grief later, others grieve very openly whilst others prefer to grieve in private. Some may have a complete meltdown, others soldier on - as I said as individual as each character. Of course, a lot also depends on the circumstances, the age of the deceased and also, importantly, how you are related. I have found that even when expecting the inevitable it still comes as a shock. As always I turn to writing and apart from this blog, I will write a letter to my mum and say all those things that I wanted to tell her at what would have been our last meeting, I find this helps me at this point.
According to the theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. The stages are not linear and can be experienced in any order, some may not even go through all of them.
Denial – in the first stage it is common to feel numb in the early days following a bereavement. Some people often carry on as if nothing has happened at first and even if we know in our head that someone has died it can be hard to believe that someone important to us is not coming back. It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that we have lost a person that has played such a big role in our lives, especially if we had seen or spoken to them recently. It is a time of reflection, and we might wonder how we can now move forward without them. Denial slows everything down and helps us to take it one step at a time and gives us chance to process our emotions, whilst we try to take it all in and understand what is happening. It is entirely normal to feel completely overwhelmed.
Anger - this is also a completely natural emotional response, and very common after someone dies as we attempt to adjust to a new reality. Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or you had plans for the future together. It’s also common to feel angry towards the person who has died, or angry at ourselves for things we did or didn’t do before their death. It is an emotional outlet for our feelings and may appear more socially acceptable than admitting that we are scared. Sadly, it can also make us appear as unapproachable by others, when what we really need is comfort, connection and reassurance.
Bargaining - when we are in pain, it is often hard to accept that there is nothing we can do to change the situation. Bargaining is when we start to make deals with ourselves, or perhaps with God if we’re religious. We want to believe that if we act in particular ways we will feel better. It’s also common to find ourselves going over and over things that happened in the past and asking a lot of ‘what if’ questions, wishing we could go back and change things in the hope things could have turned out differently.
Depression – this can happen when we start to see the reality of the situation. Sadness and longing are what we think of most often when we think about grief. This pain can be very intense and come in waves over many months or years. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning which can be very scary. Grief often bubbles away below the surface and eventually erupts without warning, a song. a smell, an event, a memory, can trigger an emotional response. We may find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through. Although this is a very natural stage in the grieving process, it can be extremely isolating and one of the most difficult stages.
Acceptance - Grief comes in waves and it can feel like nothing will ever be right again. But gradually most people find that the pain eases, and it is possible to accept what has happened. We may never ‘get over’ the death of someone precious, but we can learn to live again, while keeping the memories of those we have lost close to us. I know from experience that it gets easier that time, at least for me, lessens the pain.
It’s the end of an era for me and as I close this chapter of my life I feel bereft. I will try to focus on the happy memories and times we shared. My beliefs are that we will meet again and until then I’ll hold onto that.
I’ll leave you with some comforting words from Donna Ashworth:
Once A Day
Don’t miss me more than once a day
for life is moving fast
don’t wish all of your time away
dreaming of the past
Don’t waste the moments looking at
the things I left behind me
I’m not there anymore my love
your heart is where you’ll find me
Don’t dread to say my name sweet one
don’t fear the wrath of sadness
just take the love you had for me
and turn it into gladness
Some days your anger will rush out
your tears will find their way
to me, wherever I am then
I’ll soothe them all away
When I am gone don’t miss me more
than once or twice a day
there’s so much life to live my love
I’m with you all the way.
.
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